A conversation between friends.....about being a mom:
We are sitting at lunch when my friend casually mentions
that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family".
"We're taking a survey," she says, half joking,
"Do you think I should have a baby?"
"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral.
"I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends,
no more spontaneous vacations...."
But that is not what I meant at all.
I look at my friend, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know
what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the
physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but that becoming a mother will
leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.
I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without
asking "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash,
every house fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children,
she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.
I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think
that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce
her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub.
That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a souffle
or her best crystal without a moment's hesitation.
I feel I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested
in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood.
She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an
important business meeting and she will think of her baby's sweet smell.
She will have to use every ounce of her discipline to keep
from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.
I want my friend to know that everyday decisions will no longer be routine.
That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than
the women's at a restaurant will become a major dilemma. That right there,
in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence
and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that
a child molester may be lurking in that restroom.
However decisive she may be at the office,
she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother.
Looking at my attractive friend, I want to assure her that eventually she
will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about
herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once
she has a child. That she would give it up in a moment to save her
offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years not to accomplish
her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs.
I want her to know that a caesarian scar or shiny stretch marks
will become badges of honor.
My friend's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way
she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man
who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child.
I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again
for reasons she would now find very unromantic.
I wish my friend could sense the bond she will feel with women
throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving.
I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about most issues,
but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat
of nuclear war to my children's future.
I want to describe to my friend the exhilaration of seeing your child learn
to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is
touching the soft fur of a dog or a cat for the first time. I want her to
taste the joy that is so real, it actually hurts.
My friend's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my
eyes. "You'll never regret it," I finally say. Then I reach across the
table, squeeze my friend's hand and offer a silent prayer for her, and for
me, and for all of the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most
wonderful of callings. The blessed gift of God and that of being a Mother.
Please share this with a Mom who you know or a future Mom you know.
This was received as a forwarded email from my dear friend, Sharon Bonilla.
As of this time the author is unknown.
If anyone knows who the author is, please email us.